I can’t think of any other topic that gets me into more trouble than expectations. Whether they are my unreasonable expectations being placed on others, or what I perceive to be their expectations of me, weighing me down. What a slippery slope they are. They can cause disappointments, assumed failures, low self-esteem, anger, resentment, and fear, just to name a few.
There are also cases where expectations are believed to be beneficial and productive. Many educators, for example, contend that placing expectations on their students motivates them to achieve their goals and reach their full potential. And I am in complete agreement with that stance, if the expectations are reasonable and applicable to the individual student.
Remembering my own grade-school years, and my lackadaisical attitude, had there been no expectations placed on me, I would have simply faded into the background, taken the easier, softer way, and settled for just scraping by. No expectations would have translated into nobody is watching, nobody cares, so why put forth the effort?
Here, the onus rests on the teacher’s ability to recognize and differentiate each individual child’s capabilities. For instance, when my son was in first and second grade, he was on Dilantin and Phenobarbital for a seizure condition, and it had an impact on his attention span. The first-grade teacher was on top of it, and he did fine. But the following year, he was frustrated and showed signs of low self-esteem because his condition was not taken into consideration. Both teachers had the same information, but the latter’s response was that he spent too much time daydreaming and did not meet expectations. A little bit of creativity might have gone a long way that year.
Even the positive expectations that seem to be stitched with hope and anticipation that we place on ourselves and loved ones can backfire. They may be well-intentioned, but if based only on our desires for their success, they can be a setup for disappointment.
I have been a victim of my own unreasonable expectations on numerous occasions. The combination of perfectionism and too big an ego are usually the two culprits that, when I fall short of my fantasies, lead me to feeling like a failure and often result in self-flagellation.
And, when others don’t meet my expectations, I form resentments against them. How fair is that? I’ve even gone so far as to justify it by telling myself the expectation was based on their past behavior. Viewing this nasty habit from the lens of harm done, I must admit, it is a major flaw of mine that has often led to the irritation and alienation of those unlucky enough to have been on the receiving end of my Expectations.
Rest, if you so choose, on my window- sill and share a few scattered crumbs of daily impressions that I have scribed over the years.
In 2006, I added to my collection of daily meditation books, an edition of Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul by Jack Canfield who drew on excerpted passages from his previous books. Additional credits go to [et al.] Mark Victor Hanson, Peter Vegso, Gary Seidler, Theresa Peluso, Tian Dayton, Rokelle Lerner, and Robert Ackerman
This particular gem is composed of three hundred and sixty -five pages of uplifting quotes by well known, renowned individuals, as well as proverbs shared around the world and throughout history. A brief related paragraph and a quote sums up these pearls of wisdom and then invites the reader to share their own perceptions on space provided at the bottom of the page.
In 2006, I already had 18 years vested in my own recovery program and I am not quite sure when I composed all of my responses. But I do not believe they all materialized that same year. What I do know, is that they are reflective of who I was, and what I was feeling, on whatever day I penned them. Shared below are some of those thoughts preceded by a passage or two that prompted them.
Change is generally regarded as positive, but it can be destructive as well. When running toward change, ask yourself, “From what am I running?” Are you leaving behind a family, a job, a reputation, or troubles that are overwhelming?
Elaine Young McGuire
I’ve never considered change from this perspective. The program has instilled in me another option: Run in place, lean on a friend, and I might just find a solution to my problem.
At times in the past, my love had been hidden, blocked off by impenetrable clouds. No light or love came through. In my family the love we felt for each other often got cloudy with broken promises, fear, anger, and confusion.
Rokelle Lerner
In the midst of chaos there is no season of love. It gets lost in the confusion and fighting the elements. The seasons of hope and love ae unattainable in the storms of addiction.
Powerful emotions stir as I recall the places from which I have come.
Godwin H. Barton
In my addiction, and in years prior, I seldom acknowledged emotional pain. Instead, I drank it away. I didn’t laugh much either. I lived my life flat-lined. Experiencing very few in depth feelings. I missed a lot. Today, I welcome both joy and sadness. They tell me I am alive.
Early in my recovery A.A. members told me, “Let us love you till you can love yourself.” I surrendered. As my sobriety grew, they offered, “Don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired.” I accepted. When they advised, “it’s the first drink that gets you drunk, just stay away from that first drink.” I understood.
Dorri Olds
The simpler the saying, the more specific its meaning. The slogans in my twelve- step program are to the point. You can’t get caught up in any unnecessary window dressings. There is nothing to unravel.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our job is to be vessels through which God can work His miracles: Like holding a child close, or lending an ear, or simply wearing and sharing a smile.
Most people live in a very restrictive circle of their potential being. We all have reservoirs of energy and genius to draw upon of which we do not dream.
William James
By expanding my creativity, I am enriching my Spirituality, because when I am emersed in whatever I am creating, I am divorced from self.
Argue for your limitations and sure enough they’re yours.
Richard Bach
I can think my way into a fearful, lazy person. Or self-talk my way into a healthy vibrant soul. It’s all about the messaging I choose to believe.
I honor my own experience and personal truth. I know that no one from my past needs to see things the way I do for me to get better or move on.
Tian Dayton
Two sisters raised in the same home, garnering different strengths, and harboring different hurts. Two distinct perceptions, two contrasting interpretations of their own truth.
The finest qualities of our nature can be preserved only by the most delicate handling.
Henry David Thoreau
I feel safest around gentle souls. They are so unassuming and offer only love. Advice can be purchased anywhere, but gentleness has no price, it is freely given, no strings attached. Dad was a gentle soul.
I have something now that I did not have as a child in an alcoholic home. I have choices. I will be an adult child of an alcoholic until the day I die. But I am not going to die one more day because I am an adult child of an alcoholic.
Robert J Ackerman
Being an adult child and acting like one are worlds apart. It is my behavior that sets the example, not my instincts, which may still reflect some nagging issues.
Today is today. Today is not yesterday, crushing you with the mistakes you have made. Today is not tomorrow, which is always out of your gasp. But you can take hold of today. You can face it. You can deal with it. You can rejoice in the gift that it is.
Sharon Siepel
God, When I am in a state of projection and missing out on the moment, help me pull the blind down on tomorrow, until its sun dawns.
Despite the miracle in my life, recovery remains a day-to-day process. It began with the supernatural power to forgive and it continues with a grateful and ever repentant heart. Miracles do happen. Seekers do get healed. Lives can be forever changed. Recovery is not just a road; it is a reason.
Rev. Ed Donnally
Twelve step programs disprove the assertion that people can’t change. I see it again and again. I am surrounded by it in the program. What a blessing to witness the miracles.
There is no need to prove the truth. Trying to do so shows only your own stubbornness. Truth will always reveal itself at the right moment and at the right place. You need be concerned only with living true to your own self. Focusing on your own part is more useful than passing judgement on others.
Brahma Kumaris: World Spiritual University
I am only responsible for my own thoughts and behaviors. That is a big enough job to handle. When I remain true to myself, I am owned by no one.
To know what you prefer instead of what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Lord, help me maintain my autonomy, lest I lose myself in others, and what I assume are their expectations of me.
The above were excerpts through June. Saving the other half for later. Thanks for reading.
Good or bad? Right or wrong? Malleable or cut in stone? Thought through, or made impulsively? Just a few of the questions I struggled with in early sobriety? Making choices was completely foreign to me early on. It scared me to death. Escaping into the nether world of omission every time a decision or a choice was demanded, was all I knew how to do. It was my panacea for everything.
Not only did alcohol obliterate my ability to choose during my using, but it outright lied to me by not alerting me to the fact that hiding from, and refusing to make decisions, was indeed a choice. And believe me, I repeatedly exercised that choice.
The sins of omission are as grave as the sins of commission. Their effect carries just as much weight. For instance: Because I had so little self-confidence and was terrified of change, when I was offered an opportunity to apply for a different job that had awesome benefits, an increase in salary, and a pension plan, I wrestled with it over too many glasses of wine and chose to relegate it to the land of coveted daydreams. That was a choice.
Lucky for me, years later that same opportunity presented itself again. And, with 10 years of sobriety under my belt, I made a conscious choice to act on it. Today I have over 25 happy, productive years in a job that allowed me to be independent and to feel valued. Yes, the delay did cost me a smaller pension due to the wasted years of indecision, but I choose not to cry over spilled milk, and am grateful for having been given a second chance.
The financial repercussions were insignificant compared to the effect that my choice to simply ignore the daily toll my marriage from hell was taking on me and my children. That choice, to do nothing; to take no action to try to remedy my situation, or to simply seek help, sentenced me and my children to years of unnecessary grief and stagnation. Escaping into the bottle after a verbal attack on my son, a head banging or choke hold that left no telltale marks, or three days of dead silence was my constant go-to. I was always assuming that the next day it would get better. It couldn’t possibly get any worse! I had taken my kids hostage. Imprisoned us all because I didn’t believe I had a choice.
Today, after many years of continuous sobriety in my jelly-bean jar, I recognize that making a choice is one of the magical gifts of recovery. Are there risks, of course. But not only can I think them through and weigh them, but if they are wrong and don’t work out, I get to choose again. How neat is that? Learning that all decisions aren’t cast in stone relieves me of those embedded fears that once crippled me. Making choices no longer restricts me. It allows me to be accountable and move on, remembering that no decision is indeed a choice.
I found myself asking that question repeatedly as I worked the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Addressing it, to both myself, and my new- found Higher Power. Why was it suddenly so important? Was it because the steps were constructing a path designed to lead me in a new direction; a road that would take me through a dense forest of denial, confusion, and one peppered with bits and pieces of a stranger that should be left behind? Could it be that I was developing a curious interest in myself? One that was no longer garbed in familiar shades of self- contempt and condemnation?
I rarely bothered with these kinds of ponderings when I was drinking. Perhaps I didn’t want to know because I wouldn’t like the answer. I spent a lot of time escaping that assessment. Because, Intuitively, I was, and had always been, aware of my character defects. I drudged them up almost every day, then tried to wash them down with another drink. I had a damned good idea of who I was.
So here is how it worked for me through the steps of alcoholics Anonymous.
Step one: Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
This was a concept that took some getting used to. But eventually, my rebuttal to where I had ended up in life began to dissolve with that indisputable knowledge. And by repeating the words “I’m Dallas and I am an alcoholic” at every AA meeting, I became more and more convinced of the noose alcohol had tied around my emotional development and my ability to choose not to hide in the bottle.
Step two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This one was a bit more difficult. I wasn’t insane. I was still working, taking care of my responsibilities, at least most of the time, and was never in jail or a mental institution. And I had yet to be introduced to whatever, or whoever, that power greater than me was. Could it be that the insanity was my addiction? Not an excuse, to be sure, but a little insight into what influenced my behavior.
Step three: Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
This step took me a while. Not because I didn’t believe in some kind of a higher power, but because I thought he was too busy to bother with someone as tainted and inconsequential as me. Thankfully, expediency is not a prerequisite in AA. Eventually, with the help of my sponsor and the program, I got it. And once I figured it out, decided that it didn’t matter if I trusted God. He trusted me. And as important as He Is, He wouldn’t be wasting his time on a low life.
Step four: Made a searching and moral inventory of our selves.
Unlike many who bulk at this step, I wasn’t hesitant. I was ready to jump right in. like I said, I knew all of my character defects and was ready to face them, if it meant I was heading in the right direction. What I didn’t realize was that an inventory meant taking stock of my assets as well as my defects. It was during the working of this step that I began to realize that beneath the refuse pile, there lurked a glimmer of hope. Something worthwhile, was waiting in the shadows to be excavated. And I was accumulating the tools to do just that.
Step five: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
“Whoa,” I said. “Let’s put on the brakes.” But the train had already left the station I’d made a commitment. I had already fed my sponsor crumbs, a few bits, and pieces here and there of my past. And there had been no recriminations. As a matter of fact, she had neither criticized, nor turned her back on me. So, with fear and trepidation, in a three-hour window, I began to shed my burden. Page by page I read my fourth step aloud and she listened with an expression of love and acceptance. And for the first time in my life, I felt safe and unashamed. On that afternoon, she told me something I have held onto for years.
“Dallas, you are becoming the person God has always intended you to be.”
And that declaration became the framework that inspired me to begin the odyssey of discovering just who Dallas was. The steps leading up to that moment, and the ones that followed, helped me peel away the damaged fabric, layer by layer, that no longer served a purpose.
Step six: Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.
By this time, I had somewhat reluctantly allowed God into my life. And I was cognizant enough to realize that I could not achieve this on my own. That cocky self-reliant attitude that I shoved in the face of those who tried to help or guide me in the past was slowly dissolving.
Step seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
The defining word here is humbly. Without false pride or a puffed- up ego. I was learning a lot about ego and the seductive ways it worms itself into our behaviors and our personalities. And I knew that it would require a lot of restraint to subjugate that ego. Visions of a new me were beginning to cumulate.
Step eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
I began to stall on this step. Fear started to creep in. But then my sponsor reminded me that this step was simply to make the list. I could draw on my fourth step for help. So, I did as was suggested, a remarkable occurrence to say the least. Who was I? At that point, someone willing to take instruction.
Step nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
I really didn’t need to use the fourth step as a template, I knew damned well who I needed to approach. My three children were at the top of that list, and that was what was causing me so much angst. Could they ever forgive me for not being there for them emotionally because I stuffed every problem I ever had into the bottle, thinking it would somehow magically disappear?
“Dallas,” My sponsor took my hand, “This step was not designed to solicit forgiveness. It is about becoming accountable. Taking ownership of our actions. How it is received, is not the point.” Then she added, almost as an after-thought, “There is another person you need to put on that list. Someone you have been beating up for a longtime. Because if you don’t, it will stand in the way of your becoming that person you want to be, one free of the weight, that bogs you down.” I gave her a quizzical look. “You have to forgive yourself.”
Once I tackled this step to the best of my ability, those that remained were enhancements that offered so much more than just relief. They gave me the structure that lends impetus to my daily effort in becoming a better version of myself.
Step ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
I’ve heard many say they do this every night by reviewing their day and reexamining their responses to situations that may have been uncomfortable. And if an apology is required, doing so. What seems to work best for me is to try and be alert, and aware of my faux pas as they occur and remedy them on the spot, so I don’t have to worry about making a formal apology. Still have a way to go on this becoming the kind of person God intends me to be.
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Today, I incorporate six meditation books into my morning prayer routine. Though I may not be able to recall the text in each message, the gist of these positive inspirations seems to have an inherent influence on my day.
Step twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principals in all our affairs.
My spiritual awakening has been an ongoing metamorphosis, a shedding of beliefs and behaviors that are no longer conducive to my growth. The steps have given me a sense of who I am, and as long as I do the best that I can on any given day, I no longer have to grapple with some unattainable image of perfection or Sainthood. I can simply continue to become…?
Author Dallas H 